Features

Selected 41st Annual Grammy Nominees

Yeah, we know that the Grammys are the epitome of lame. Any award where our parents recognize any of the entrants for must be bogus, right? That said, let’s make sure we give those fortunate enough to be nominated the skewering they deserve.

••

Single of the Year

“The Boy Is Mine,” Brandy & Monica

Never heard it, but it sounds like a Saturday morning cartoon.

“My Heart Will Go On,” Celine Dion

Why?

“Iris,” Goo Goo Dolls

Well, the best of a bad lot.

“Ray of Light,” Madonna

Fake electronica? Next, please?

“You’re Still the One,” Shania Twain

There aren’t words yet created to describe how bad this is. She looks real good in a tight dress, however. And before you write and say that’s sexist – I didn’t see a gun at her head in the videos.

••

Album of the Year

The Globe Sessions, Sheryl Crow

Sounds nice in an elevator.

Version 2.0, Garbage

Generic title, forgettable music. Big-time sophomore slump.

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, Lauryn Hill

This is da bomb. I’m jiggy wit it. Go girlfriend.

••

Song of the Year

(award goes to songwriter)

“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” Diane Warren

Like when I can make a deposit at the bank.

“Iris,” John Rzeznik

Okay, he once jammed with Paul Westerberg. Close enough. He wins.

“Lean on Me,” Kirk Franklin

Nice touch. Use a classic song title. Wait till we hear “Amazing Grace” by the Spice Girls.

••

New Artist

Backstreet Boys

Since whoever wins this category generally drops rapidly into total “where are they now”-ness, these guys really need to ace this.

••

Male Pop Vocal Performance

“Save Tonight,” Eagle-Eye Cherry

Son of Don Cherry, brother of Neneh. Catchy song, but the video irks the crap out of me.

“My Father’s Eyes,” Eric Clapton

Hey, Eric. This sucks. Can I have your guitars, since you ain’t gonna use ‘em?

“Lullaby,” Shawn Mullins

Pretty good song for a boy from Atlanta. Let ‘em have it.

“You Were Meant for Me,” Sting

I thought he died.

••

Pop Performance by a Duo or Group

“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” Aerosmith

This is strange. Didn’t there used to be a rock band named “Aerosmith”?

“One Week,” Barenaked Ladies

Great song, and worth it just to hear their name over and over on TV.

“Crush,” Dave Matthews Band

Oh, don’t tempt me. Music for people who don’t like music.

“Jump Jive an’ Wail,” Brian Setzer Orchestra

Hey, they didn’t give Prima a Grammy, why Setzer?

••

Pop Album

Oh, just go out and buy beer during this part of the show…

••

Female Rock Vocal Performance

“Raspberry Swirl,” Tori Amos

Really, wouldn’t ya love to smack her? I don’t advocate violence as a rule, but it would make her hush for a second…

“There Goes the Neighborhood,” Sheryl Crow

Truer words never spoken.

“Glass House,” Ani DiFranco

Miss anti-bidness gets a nod. Tough chicks rule.

“Uninvited,” Alanis Morissette

Well, I didn’t ask her to come over – did you?

“Can’t Let Go,” Lucinda Williams

Good song from a great performer’s worst album.

••

Male Rock Vocal Performance

“Everybody Here Wants You,” Jeff Buckley

By a dead guy. I mean, if he was alive, nobody would have heard this.

“Almost Saturday Night,” John Fogerty

Hey, cool song. Or it was, 20 years ago. When ya playin’ Vegas?

“Fly Away,” Lenny Kravitz

Great song, cool groove. Word up!

“Your Life Is Now,” John Mellencamp

Kinda funny from a guy who had a near death experience…

••

Rock Performance by a Duo or Group

“Pink,” Aerosmith

…and slimy and crawling under the covers, too old to get up and answer the door.

“The Way,” Fastball

Cool song, way overplayed. Kinda Zen-like, don’t ya think?

“Celebrity Skin,” Hole

Who wrote this album for her?

“Bitter Sweet Symphony,” The Verve

…in a shoe commercial?

“Heroes,” The Wallflowers

Hey, let’s give old Dave a proper burial, all right?

••

Hard Rock Performance

“Psycho Circus,” Kiss

“I wanna use my Kiss Visa Card All Night… and party with my IRA”

“The Dope Show,” Marilyn Manson

Well, you don’t call it smoking some smart, now do ya?

“Fuel,” Metallica

Sure, why not. Love to see ‘em play it live on primetime TV.

“Most High,” Jimmy Page and Robert Plant

They would know.

••

Metal Performance

“Fried Chicken and Coffee,” Nashville Pussy

They gotta win. And somebody like Garth Brooks has to present the award.

••

Rock Album

Premonition, John Fogerty

Version 2.0, Garbage

Celebrity Skin, Hole

Okay, why not. She’s rude, she rocks, and she’s sure to show up lookin’ nasty.

Before These Crowded Streets, Dave Matthews Band

I know a way to clear said streets.

••

Alternative Music Performance

Hello Nasty, Beastie Boys

Well, as long as they donate the money to Tibet, they can stay.

Is This Desire?, PJ Harvey

Hot damn. Polly Jean, will you marry me?

Airbag/How Am I Driving?, Radiohead

The band of the decade. Music for people who can think…

Adore, The Smashing Pumpkins

Kill them. Literally, figuratively, whatever.

••

Female Country Vocal Performance

Sorry, I just can’t comment on the country stuff. It’s like a restaurant review of Burger King… ◼


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