Nabbed!
Gainesville Rock’n’Roll Band Discovered in Plot to Sell Stolen Agricultural Equipment to Alien World
Hamster Hammisch
“sticks”
GAINESVILLE – All seven members of the rock and roll band Big Sky were charged in federal court today with a long list of charges, including receiving and selling stolen goods, unlawful export of protected technology, and making crop circles.
Chris “Sizzle-Fingers” Floyd, self-proclaimed spokesman for the erstwhile musicians, in an unrestrained outburst before the judge, said “We’re being framed. It wasn’t us, it was those other guys.” Floyd declined to identify who the “other guys” were.
In addition to Floyd, Ben “Spike” Rowell, Ashton “Bass Your Face” Allen, Dave “Saxman” Kruzman, Dave “Organ” Moore, Sean “Sticks” Crowley, and Mark “Gimme the Mike” Gaignard were charged with identical crimes. Band manager Eric “Zoots” Marin claimed he was out getting his suits pressed while the illegal activities were being planned. “I don’t know nothing” said Marin.
“mother_ship”
The charges are the result of several weeks of intensive investigation by FDLE officials and field agents in cooperation with operatives from FBI, CIA, NSA, NASCAR, NASA, ATF, USDA, PTA, USPS, AFL-CIO, BMI, ASCAP, NCAA, and USAF. Sources close to the investigation said Big Sky has been under federal scrutiny for some time because of the offensive and disruptive nature of their stage performances.
“Heck, they’re all over the place on stage, jumping around, blowing horns and such. It just ain’t natural what they’s doing,” said Reverend Gabriel Heavensgate, a local minister who has led a movement to have the band’s recordings banned from stores. “I knowed there was something evil about them boys” he said.
“sketch”
To compound the band’s woes, officials from the Karlsburg Institue for Genetic Research in Germany released a report today that indicates the chromosomes of Crowley, drummer and newest member of the band, prove beyond a doubt that he is, in fact, an alien himself. Officials believe he was sent to infiltrate the band in order to orchestrate the transfer of the stolen tractors to the alien spacecraft.
The aliens, reportedly from the planet Ashlore in the Yamaha system, are known to be highly advanced, but recent aggressions against former allies have disrupted the flow of food supplies to their relatively arid world. Ashlorean diplomats have secured the services of several agricultural experts from various alien races, but the design and construction of farm equipment is too simple for their complex technology. They believed their only option was to steal such implements from other worlds.
Crowley was allegedly sent to infiltrate the band when off-world operatives reported that the band was in need of someone who could actually keep a beat. Specially designed drum equipment was assembled for the occasion, including a highly sophisticated cymbal used as a communications uplink device. The cymbal has a cleverly placed crack in it, causing it to reverberate at a precise frequency which conveys secret transmissions from Crowley to the mother ship.
“combine”
Crowley claims he is being framed. “I’ve lived here all my life. You can call home and ask my wife” he said. His wife, Shannon “Cow Tipper” Crowley, could not be reached for comment.
The band was planning a wild bachannal in Orlando on March 26, under the guise of a CD release party. The revelry was to be a diversion for the local law enforcement officials while the stolen equipment was actually loaded onto a shuttle craft specially designed to look like a Wendy’s hamburger shop on Route 50, but capable of breaking free of Earth’s gravitational field while carrying heavy loads of equipment. ◼
