Lard Lady
by James MacLaren
I’ll Have Two Pounds Of Lard And A Diet Coke.
These goofs are really too much. There’s really not too much you can say about them other than to describe them.
Fat females, middle aged, usually wearing too much makeup with hair that looks like it was made out of polystyrene and then left out in the weather too long. Maybe it was. Dunno.
Into the store we go, and start rummaging around all over the damn place, plucking all manner of junk food, sweets, and all the rest of it. Oftentimes they’ll get so fucking much stuff that they’ve gotta make little intermediate stops at your counter to drop a load of it off, before continuing the search for even more of the crap.
Lotta damn crap. And all of it just as fattening as hell. The calorie meter blows a fuse and quits working before everything gets fully totaled up.
And then the piece de resistance: A two liter bottle of DIET coke!
What the hell’s up with that kinda shit?
“Lessee here, I guess I’ll go home and eat about thirty thousand calories worth of ‘food’ that has no nutritional value, but it’s ok ‘cause this is a diet coke and I won’t put any more weight on.”
Sure thing, Bertha.
Fuck off, asshole.
