Idiocy Review: Doorbell Burglar
by James MacLaren
Saw the below, on the local news web page, and just couldn’t stand it anymore. Take note of that second to last sentence there, the one that advises the dialing of 911, should ANY stranger dare to knock on your door.
(01/25/00) – Police are warning homeowners in one Central Florida county to watch out after a rash of daytime burglaries.
The Orange County Sheriff’s Department says a man known as the “Doorbell Burglar” could be responsible for at least 17 break-ins in the past two weeks.
They all happened between 8am and 5pm in the southern part of the county – in the Deerfield, Hunter’s Creek and South Chase subdivisions.
If a stranger knocks on your door, detectives advise people to call 911 immediately.
If you have any information about these burglaries, call Crimeline at 407.423.TIPS.
Have the goddamned detectives finally gone around the fucking bend for good this time?
What in hell were they thinking (or is that NOT thinking) when they decided that the public interest would be best served by inviting a 911 dialup every time a fucking stranger knocks on any door in the entire metropolitan area. I’m no expert on this sort of thing, but I’m guessing that’s an awful lot of doors, strangers, knockings, and crazed emergency calls to an already clogged 911 system that just might be having a teensy problem dealing with your mother’s heart attack owing to the constant busy signal she’s getting as she claws desperately at the phone with one hand while she clutches her chest in agony with the other.
Shall we all just sorta crawl into a hole and fill the damn thing in over ourselves after we’ve hunkered down within? I’m pretty sure nobody would come burgling on us down there, but what the hell kinda existence would we be living?
And it’s not like I have some kinda soft spot in my heart for door to door salesmen, Jehovah’s Witnesses, or pizza guys with the wrong address when I’m in the shower. No no, far from it.
But let’s face it, they’re ALL strangers, aren’t they?
This most assuredly includes the pizza guy too. Just ‘cause he’s wearing a uniform is no guarantee of anything. Perhaps our “Doorbell Burglar” is all decked out in his Domino’s finest. What then?
And whatta ya do if your front door doesn’t have one of them peephole things. Never answer it at all?
What if the UPS guy attempts to deliver a package?
What if the US Mail tries the same thing?
What if the motherfucking COPS show up?
Shall we blow them all away, and then dial 911 to report the unfortunate demise of a stranger who came knocking at the door?
And now that I’m thinking about it, do the actual detectives THEMSELVES dial 911 when a stranger comes to call?
I’m guessing they don’t, but I could be wrong.
Ringring. “Hello, 911, what’s the problem?”
“Detective O’Malley of the 14th precinct here. There’s a stranger in a UPS uniform knocking on my door.”
“Right. Just remain calm and remain on the line, we’ll send a couple of units over to investigate right away. Whatever you do, don’t unlock that door, ok?
Sure thing.
Something is seriously the matter here somewhere, but I’m not sure I even wanna know what the fuck it is. For now, I’ll just continue to live life on the ragged edge and continue to answer the door when somebody knocks. WooWOO, Danger City here I come!
Fuck off, assholes.
