The Apples in Stereo
Velocity of Sound
“And how long have you had this problem?”
About two weeks.
“I see. Is it painful?”
Not really. More embarrassing than anything, especially in situations like funerals and board meetings.
“Do you know what is causing it?”
Actually, I do. It started after I got the new Apples In Stereo record, Velocity Of Sound. It’s a short album — eleven tracks in about half an hour — but it’s proven to be incredibly addictive. I know it’s plastering this stupid grin on my face, but I can’t help myself.
“Apples In Stereo?”
Yes, you may have seen their video for “Signal in the Sky,” with The Powerpuff Girls, on Cartoon Network.
“Ah yes, my children love that.”
All children love The Apples in Stereo. They can’t help but dance to music that sounds like Led Zeppelin covering The Archies. The Apples in Stereo have a long and illustrious career in fuzz pop, but Velocity Of Sound seems to have cranked things up a couple notches. Guitarist Robert Schneider’s distinctive voice is on most of the tracks, but bassist Eric Allen also puts in one of my favorites, “Yore Days,” which zooms by with a haunting melody that belies the propulsive rock music beneath it. Look here doc, you gotta help me. Get this idiotic smile off my face — I look like that vampire chick on Fright Night. People are staring.
“Have you tried not listening to the record?”
Don’t be stupid. I just have to be able to listen to songs like “Rainfall,” which for some odd reason reminds me of Dramarama’s “Everything Everything.” Did I mention that drummer Hilarie Sidney sings on a couple of tracks? That’s one of them. Isn’t there a pill you could give me, or some sort of plastic surgery?
“Well, I’d say surgery is the last resort. We may be able to do something with botox injections.”
I’ll do anything to be rid of this damn rictus. Anything short of giving up “That’s Something I Do,” a song about dating outside your socio-economic status with lyrics like “your friends hate my guts / they all think you’re nuts.” Or the last track, “She’s Telling Lies,” which sounds like classic Jan and Dean run through a Big Muff distortion pedal.
“This is a most interesting case. Perhaps I could write it up for The New England Journal of Medicine.”
Sure, sure, whatever you say. I’ll help if it means I can have a normal face again.
“Could I perhaps borrow your CD of these Apples In Stereo for study and clinical trials?”
Forget it, doc. Get your own copy.