There Is No Life In The Void!

by Heather Lorusso

Sauron
10” Deluxe Figure

Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers

Toy Biz</b>

Okay. In November I saw this figure at Toys R Us and I thought it was the coolest thing I had ever seen. But for some fucked up reason I decided that particular day was going to be the day I tamed the “want-monster” inside me. After all, I didn’t NEED it, and maybe if I waited a day I wouldn’t want it any more. What a retard! Because after that day, it was gone. Only little dust bunnies were left, and now that I couldn’t have it, I REALLY NEEDED it. So for months I looked everywhere, even drove four hours to a toy convention to look for it. Hundreds of vendors and “fifteen-thousand” people later, all I got were receipts for two mini Living Dead Doll exclusives. So, I get back to Tallahassee and almost hit the “Buy It Now” button on ebay like a gazillion times, I was so close to spending $40.00 on a $19.99 action figure. But then a week after the FX show, god decided that he didn’t really hate me and sent down three beautiful 10” Saurons to Toys R Us. Yey!

Now that you know the sick OCD background of my actually obtaining this awesomeness I can talk about it… It sucks! Just kidding, It’s awesome! And here’s why:

a. Picture Sauron from the prologue of The Fellowship of the Ring, and that’s it. Every minute detail is captured in this little figure. All of the filigree in the armour, the mace, the mask, the cape, the scary spikes; it looks like it came directly from the WETA workshop. And the shading in the etching gives it that very vogue “ancient evil” look.

b. He talks! Now this is sort of a mixed blessing. When you press the button while he’s in the box, it’s awesome. He says, “I see you,” “You cannot hide,” “Build me an army worthy of Morrrdorrrr” and my personal fave “There is no life…in the void!” Gah! Scary shit. The voice together with the light-up eyes and grotesque armor, make it the greatest figure ever. The only problem is that when Sauron comes out of his box, his voice gets about a hundred times louder. When that happens, he’s not so scary in the “Eeek! He sees me! I’ve nowhere to hide!” way, now it’s more like, “if I press the button again my ears will start bleeding and get kicked out of my apartment.”

c. Articulation! Articulation! Articulation! It’s like every joint moves, and unlike other aesthetically awesome action figures I’ve bought in the past coughMcFarlanecough I’m not worried about his head falling off if I move it a little.

d. He comes with the One Ring! And when you’re having your elf, hobbit, and man figures fighting him, you can “cut” his fingers off and take the Ring. And in the darkness I can bind them! Mwa Mwa HAHAHAHAHA! Not that I’d do that, I’m just saying.

So, kittens, if god loves you, there will be a Sauron at a Toys R Us near you. If there isn’t, well, you can get him on ebay and at Toysrus.com. I know having him here has made my life infinitely more fulfilling; there’s nothing better than having your very own evil warmongering overlord to watch over your country, err… I mean computer desk.