The Questionnaire

Questions found in the book Love All The People by Bill Hicks. Answers found in my soul, he said pompously. Feel free to answer ‘em yourself in email or comments.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Damned if I know. If I did, you think I’d still be doing this?

1. What is your greatest fear?

Dying young before I figure this shit out.

1. With which historical figure do you most identify?

Any number of people in the arts who managed to overcome their fucked-up head cases and produce a body of work. One that made people still talk about them when they were gone, and try to figure out how their head-cases were fucked up.

1. Who do you most admire?

People who get their souls on display for anyone to see–and manage to sculpt it into something artful.

1. What do you most deplore about others?

Being opinionated without being informed.

1. What vehicles do you own?

An uninsured car.

1. What is your greatest extravagance?

Nothing in my life is extravagance. Everything in my life is extravagance.

1. What do you always carry with you?

Watch, wallet, keys, denial.

1. What makes you most depressed?

The occasional glimpses through the fog of what my life has really become. It’s usually followed by flicking on the TV or going to sleep.

1. What do you most dislike about your appearance?

I hate to say, but if you know me, I think you can probably guess.

1. What is your favorite smell?

Grass. Or baking bread, like you get walking past a Boulongarie store or something. Even though I’ve never had fresh-baked bread in my life.

1. What is your most unappealing habit?

Cynicism to the point of toxicity, a friend of mine once said. And that’s a man who claims to love me like a brother.

1. What is your favorite word?

Brouhaha.

1. What is your favorite building?

Wow, what a great question. I don’t know if I’ve found it yet.

1. What is your favorite journey?

From here to California.

1. What or who is your greatest love?

G-. And again, anyone who knows me knows what that stands for. If not her, Nancy, Anne, Annabel & Keitha.

(For any of you who don’t know, those last four represent my muse that whispers in my ear when I’m writing, They’re characters I created for plays I’ve written)

1. Which living person do you most despise?

Not to wimp out but despise is a pretty strong word and I don’t know that there are any people I despise…certain character traits, tho (see 5)

1. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Probably “I.”

1. What is your greatest regret?

Resisting tempation for Sinatra quote here…Maybe I should have gone to college. Maybe I should fought harder to stay in Californa. Maybe I should have told the amateur divas in Tennesee that if they spoke one word, did one thing on that stage that I didn’t write I was going to bash in the back of the men’s skulls with a baseball bat and choke the women with my bare hands.

Yeah, the last one.</b>

1. When and where were you happiest?

I can’t give you date and time, but it was almost certainly sometime when I’d just seen a good drama either onstage or onscreen. Either that or watching the space hippy freaks die on that episode of “Star Trek.”

1. How do you relax?

I sleep. When I’m awake I’m always intense.

1. What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

Money. Lots and lots of money. They say it can’t buy you love, but I aim to test that theory. Because it can buy you an apartment in the San Francisco Bay Area, and it might even help you get another play produced. Money can’t get everything, it’s true, but what it don’t get, I can’t use, I want money! (That’s…what I want…)

(Am I sure I’m on the left-wing?)

1. Which talent would you most like to have?

To be able to play the piano.

1. What would your motto be?

You have to throw the stone to get the pool to ripple. It’s a quote from the band Squeeze.

1. What keeps you awake at night?

See number nine.

1. How would you like to die?

With a lot of advance notice so I can inflict mix tapes on all my friends that they will feel guilty about if they don’t listen. With somebody who loves me and wants me at my side. Like Eric Roberts in It’s My Party.

1. How would you like to be remembered?

If I’m remembered at all, that would be a surprise to me. You know how I have kind of a reputation for being one of those unfiltered brains who’ll say just about anything? I’ll tell you a little secret: It’s easy when you don’t believe in your heart that anybody is really listening. (Admit it, you’re not listening to this, are you? You’ve moved onto the next sociopolitical rant. And well you might.)

That said, I would like to be remembered as someone who created characters that people cared about, gave them beautiful and/or witty things to say, and stories to tell that pulled people along.

That wouldn’t be too bad. </b>

Ben Varkentine