No use crying over spilled milk.

by Jason Nelson

They’re coming for our dairy products. Across the wide, wide river

they’re paddling fast with sloppy strokes

to reach us. If we befriend the Hulk, he might feel sorry for us and build

a towering fortress to protect our wide variety

of cheeses and flavored cartons of milk. Maybe if we hired Aquaman, he’d

communicate with the river’s aquatic life,

commanding the fish to develop breasts and lactate. Superheroes can do so

much more than destroy buildings, so much

more than fly and punch, and shoot lasers from their bloodshot eyes. They

want to help us make a better world. It’s too

bad we’ll have to kill them. On this spiraling globe of foodchains and

convertible futon furniture, we just don’t have room

for the genetically enhanced. We feel insecure enough when confronted with

supermodels or super-sized burger meals. So,

even if we have to live without ice cream, at least we won’t have some

annoying super girl or boy or dog trying to keep us

from our God given right to destroy ourselves.