A FEEBLE ATTEMPT AT STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS

by Ed Sofield

The cheap fat whore has nothing on me……she’s been trying blackmail for three-and-a-half years now, and she just doesn’t realize it won’t work.

The ‘goods’ she claims are probably nothing more than wire-tap phone conversations between myself and the KGB…those were going on quite frequently in the early nineties, when I was hired by the Soviets to infiltrate the Jiffy-Pop corporation and give Orville Redenbacher’s secrets to those unfortunates behind the Iron Curtain……to no avail.

To this day, you can’t get good nuked popcorn anywhere over the Atlantic.

But back to the cheap prostitute. Not that I would know how much her prices go for

…..$5- blowjob…..

…..$25- half-hour in her ‘87 Buick……

…..$100- she calls you ‘Daddy’……

or anything, but she just seems like a fairly cheap piece of meat. Her pimp (a guy named Antony, like Anthony, just without the extra letters that don’t mean anything) has threatened to disconnect my arms from their respective sockets – but methinks he just wants me to take his problem, the whore, and move to California with it.

Fat chance, bud.

Because California is where people are nice, and cabbies from East India and Brooklyn don’t try to assault you with their city-attained vehicles of smoking death like they do here in NYC……people in California say ‘Hello!’ to you on the streets, and even if they are thinking ‘Fuck you and Die!,’ sometimes it really isn’t the thought that counts.

For a masochist like myself, living in such a sunny climate might be the end of me…..I would start preaching on street-corners, and recruiting young girls to become my henchmen, my right-hand….well, not men, I guess……right-hand girls, yeah, girls…..my right-hand girls in the most ingenious plans ever laid out! I will destroy the world with insanity……plague and madness, and mental patients all acting sooooo much stranger than Brad Pitt in that Monkeys movie……all spreading the word of insanity…….the Church of the Fucked-Up Unbalanced Motherfuckers is here to stay!

…that is why i will not move to California with the cheap hooker…

E.S.S.
7:30pm, EST

March 22, 2000