Coaster Orgasm: May 11th, 2000
by Bing Futch
A-yi to y’all, hope you’re having a week that makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something. And if you’re not, then wallow in it until everyone’s sick of you–it’ll give you something to shoot for in the way of redemption. Speaking of redemption, I’ll have to apologize for not following through on my promise of 5th Annual Beach Bash dish. So, the triumphant tale of Paulie Gregg and the Little Benefit That Did will have to wait until next week. Don’t worry–it’s worth it, there are tales of hotel hallway streaking, crowded room parties and naked breasts in the hot tub. And that was all in just a few hours. More later.
[[forcepass]] This week, I’m reporting from the heart of Ohio at an old friend’s house. Dennis Brouse and his wife Rose have been my favorite hip couple since first meeting them through a Disney-themed bulletin board on the old dead Prodigy Classic online service. They are, I cautiously word this, an older couple, but the grey hairs and back complaints don’t stop them from visiting Walt Disney World twice a year with their son Blake and attending Nine Inch Nails concerts when the whim hits them. Above Denny’s desk is a print-out of a woman fly-fishing with the caption “we don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” How true. In that sense, these psuedo-surrogate parents to me are mere children because they do love to play.
Unfortunately, Rose couldn’t join the men as invites were limited to the media preview of what is quite simply the scariest fucking rollercoaster on Planet Earth.
Millennium Force is the tallest and fastest rollercoaster ever. Now listen. Forget what you know about any other thing with a chain lift and hills that you’ve ever been on and contemplate this. In the over 100 years of thrillride history, no-one has had the gnads to build a steel monster over 300 feet high. Plenty of nips into the 200+ range. The former reigning champ, Desperado at Buffalo Bills Resort and Casino in Primm, Nevada has a lift height of 225 feet and reaches a top speed of 88 m.p.h. If those are the kind of stats that make your eyes water and throat close up, then just get a load of this. Millennium Force is the first coaster to break the 300 foot barrier by topping out at 310 feet above Lake Erie. 310 feet.
When I heard about the grand opening on May 13th, quickly faxed some info on this year’s Coast-2-Coast Coaster Tour to our old friend Robin Innes at Cedar Point Amusement Park and then called him up and made puppy sounds at him. “Longtime no talk man, you’re doing the tour again this year,” he said. Then he went on to tell me about the exclusive party that Cedar Point was throwing for media on May 11th and inquired if I’d be interested in attending.
[[bingden]] I didn’t even think about logical things like “how the hell do I get up there with my po’ ass se’f?” I just told him that we’d be there and thanked him profusely. I’d thank him again today after getting my ass solidly kicked by this coaster.
So I pawned a keyboard, got $100 and bought a Greyhound ticket to Ohio. One long, mean trip–made less mean by a kind Phish fan named Sam who laid some Oregon bud on me and a 19-year old Coast Guard enlistee named Helen who had a soft spirit and a way with lo-pressure conversation. With little sleep after the journey, Den and I headed out to Sandusky and began scoping the treelines for first sight of this frightening new beast. It didn’t take long to see it towering above all else on the horizon. “Oh my God,” I remember saying. You had to look up at it even at a great distance.
As we got farther along the causeway, it tip-toed even higher in our sights. A $25 million investment in architectural terror, engineered by Swiss torturemasters Intamin. We parked the car, checked in and were greeted with the pleasurable news that breakfast was being served down the fairway. Great–get a little grub in us before we take an 80 degree plunge into Gravity Valley.
But starvin’ musicians we–the call of the buffet was too strong and platefuls were had before heading off to meet our destiny.
[[forcenews]] The early birds had been there since 6:00 a.m., working media began taping on-ride segments for local news and cable stations. At 9:15 a.m., a small ceremony ensued featuring blissfully brief statements from Don Miears, Executive Vice President and General Manager of Cedar Point; Richard Kinzel, President and CEO of Cedar Fair, L.P.; Bill Linkenheimer, President of the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) and Sandor Kernacs, President of the company that manufactured Millennium Force. Blissfully brief, they dropped the banner above the entryway and let us have go at the queue. We had go with great vigor.
[[forcedrop]] The first nine-car, 36-passenger train dispatched with a volley of applause and screams. Though sheathed by the station, the blue train could soon be seen booking up the lift silently, no customary clack-clack-clink of anti-rollbacks to be heard–just the disquieting whoosh up that 45 degree rise to the skies. Now, at this close proximity, we truly had to re-adjust our line of sight to take in the receding blue line. Just past the drop lies a wicked overbanked 180 degree curve that tilts riders over 122 degrees. The train slipped off of the mountain and into the depths, re-appearing on the left side of the hellish half-helix and rocketing around it like mercury. A tremor of nervous laughter skittered through the line; we were all in for it, it said.
The blue train soon returned, filled with wind-blown and flustered riders who began to applaud as the vehicle slowed its entry into the station. No-one seemed the worse for the wear, no tears, no heart attacks, no apparent head injuries. It was now time for us to board the beast and experience what coaster enthusiasts have been only dreaming about for years.
[[forceblur]] The lift is a unique one. It utilizes an elevator cable system with a bob that settles underneath the trains. At dispatch, the cars edge forward and then suddenly surge out of the station and up the drastically angled lift, 45 degrees into the stratosphere. The cars themselves come with tiered seating, so you can peek over the row in front of you to see the Earth rushing up at you. Likewise, the sides are non-existent, allowing for an unprecedented view of what ever is flying past your legs. As we buckled in and lowered the slight lap bar–the Anticipation High kicked into gear–there was no turning back. We dispatched, flitting out into the open air, cold and grey. The 45 degree ascent angle makes the ground disappear in a heartbeat–soon, with a bird’s eye view of the park and Lake Erie on either side–we were cresting the rise and staring at that huge, forboding swoop turn at the other side of the 300 foot valley.
[[forcesun]] There’s no pause at the top, no time to give yourself a quick genuflect or utter a prayer–with a shove, we were suddenly pointed downwards at an unbelievable 80 degree plummet. Butts lifted from seats, screams tapered off at mid-“aah!” as we burned down the rails, picking up a heady reserve of speed. It’s a mind-bending freefall that slowly arcs up and into a gargantuan overbanked curve that tilts the trains over at an insanely skewed 122 degree angle–damn near upside down. This wicked half-helix drops into a section of flat track and then a snappy left turn into a tunnel. Roaring clatter of track and flapping metal melded with echoing screams as we burst into daylight and soared 182 feet over a smooth arch that falls into a series of power dives involving zero-G float time and a snaky, winding insistency. It’s all about the speed with this monster, and after the second tunnel which empties out to a buzzing of the station, a slight camelback rise and an ass-kicking 112-degree swoop turn towards the end help solidify this coaster as a no-nonsense, relentless terror. As we entered the station, the attendant welcomed us back with “how was your record-breaking ride?”
[[forcetrain]] We all responded enthusiastically.
Since the park was reserved for media, only Millennium Force was operating–but many of the production crews had bailed for their respective bureaus in order to meet their deadlines. That left a handful of coaster nuts and media late comers to soak up some exclusive ride time on what is absolutely the most breathtaking rollercoaster ever built. After the first hill, it’s all speed and manuevering, a little airtime and a lot of the feeling that you’re in a fighter jet. But the real show is the fearful anticipation of the lift and then confronting that 300 foot plunge into Vertical Nightmareville. Straighten you up real quick.
[[forceend]] We rode for awhile and then cut out early, Den and I. Our work was finished, pictures were secured along with some point-of-view video footage for publication on the web. Now, the 90 minute drive back to Seville, where little did I know–we’d begin plotting to visit a park that wasn’t even on the agenda. The Coast-2-Coast Coaster Tour started with a true bang this year–and something tells me that it’s only going to get better. Especially since this year’s tour will be featuring live music showcases of unsigned bands from around the country. This great event was only the beginning–even as of this writing, so many more adventures have taken place–so many more adventures to be explored. Rollercoasters and rock ‘n’ roll–there are times when I really do love America.
