Episode 1

Episode 1

HisCheapMoves: Testing

HisCheapMoves: Type something…

kittydeathstar: Poor Stone Cold Steve Austin……

kittydeathstar: Poor WWF….

HisCheapMoves: Excellent. We’re live at columns.ink19.com/unbalanced/episodes/1

kittydeathstar: Da Dum Da Dum Dum Dum

HisCheapMoves: I meant to have some music posted, but we’ll have to fix it in post.

kittydeathstar: We’re professionals, we’ll sort it later……

HisCheapMoves: Give me 5-10 minutes to get sit-you-ated here, and we’ll start. Our guest is on standby.

HisCheapMoves: I’ll post short notice to the list.

kittydeathstar: *Swoon*

HisCheapMoves: It is done. Official start is 10:15.

kittydeathstar: So are we dead air?

HisCheapMoves: I suppose.

HisCheapMoves: Rolling….

kittydeathstar: Indeed we are!

HisCheapMoves: Tonight’s opening theme: “Mystery Girl” by the “Yeahyeahyeahs”…

kittydeathstar: Hype! Hype! Hype!

kittydeathstar: As seen in Rolling Stone, ladies and gents….

HisCheapMoves: Really?

kittydeathstar: …but we’ve got’em too!

HisCheapMoves: Well, the hype is deserved.

kittydeathstar: Multimillion dollar deal already!

kittydeathstar: Crash and burn sure to follow!

HisCheapMoves: I actually had a copy of Rolling Stone mistakenly delivered to my home.

kittydeathstar: Eminem lookin’ all dreamy on the cover…..

HisCheapMoves: Haven’t read it, but it seemed awful thin.

kittydeathstar: …you could get lost in those eyes.

HisCheapMoves: Not the Playboy-girthed RS of yore.

kittydeathstar: Speaking of thin, Jann Wener’s creepy celebrity markouts will never wear thin!

kittydeathstar: I love it when they ask teen movie starlets about sex!

kittydeathstar: And boys!

HisCheapMoves: Speaking of sequiturs, we have a guest tonight with a Tom Cruise sighting.

kittydeathstar: And the interviewer starts panting into the tape recorder!

kittydeathstar: What? Surely you jest?

HisCheapMoves: Just in time for the release of Spielberg’s Minority Report.

HisCheapMoves: Do you think Spielberg knows Dick?

edfurniture: Who’s Dick?

kittydeathstar: Andy Dick?

edfurniture: That’s the guy who made The Matrix, right?

HisCheapMoves: Phillip K Dick + Andy Dick, together at last.

kittydeathstar: Long time comin’

HisCheapMoves: So tell us about your Tom Cruise sighting.

edfurniture: Would you like the version of the story with the fat red-headed guy in it?

kittydeathstar: Oh yeah…..

HisCheapMoves: Is he Scottiche?

edfurniture: Let’s just leave him out of it.

HisCheapMoves: Tease

kittydeathstar: hmmmph… see if you’re ever invited back

edfurniture: As I was about to tell you, I was heading over to my favorite restaurant, Mi Pueblo, in Sarasota.

HisCheapMoves: That means “My Lower Intestines” in SPanish.

edfurniture: It’s a small mayheeko resorantay.

edfurniture: So I walk up to the place, and Tom Cruise is standing outside, waiting for a table.

edfurniture: With a beard.

HisCheapMoves: “Do you have a table for MR. ANDREW JACKSON” didn’t work for him?

edfurniture: He was the 7th President, no?

HisCheapMoves: It’s hard to get a bearded table these days.

edfurniture: Not if you know where to look.

edfurniture: And he didn’t.

edfurniture: He ended up waiting a long time.

edfurniture: I actually got seated before him.

edfurniture: Which shows you just how much pull I have in this town.

kittydeathstar: I’m sure he had a copy of dianetics to pass the time…

edfurniture: No, he was just standing around talking with three other people.

edfurniture: No one else “recognized” him.

HisCheapMoves: He was waiting for a table to “clear”

HisCheapMoves: (a bit of Scient humor there)

edfurniture: That was really good.

HisCheapMoves: Continue your tale…

edfurniture: So me and the guy who I’m not gonna mention got seated next to the window, and Cruise was just on the other side of it.

edfurniture: Which meant that if I pulled the curtain back slightly, I could grin and stare at the back of his Tom Cruise Haircut.

HisCheapMoves: ™

edfurniture: I was giddy.

edfurniture: I stared for a long time, and eventually he was seated.

edfurniture: It seemed his face was plastic.

HisCheapMoves: Like in that Dicky movie…

HisCheapMoves: Vanilla Sky

edfurniture: It was as if his real face was under the Tom Cruise face, which was underneath the beard he had grown.

edfurniture: How Pomo is that?

edfurniture: He kept doing this thing that looked like he was stretching his face.

edfurniture: Some would call it Yawning if they didn’t know better.

HisCheapMoves: Did you see what he got for dinner?

edfurniture: So he ate his food, and the people that were with him pretty much ignored him.

edfurniture: Looked like something mexican.

HisCheapMoves: “La Grande Chimichanga Cucaracha”

HisCheapMoves: With chicken instead of the beef.

edfurniture: He was dressed in your basic Tom Cruise going out to dinner with the regular folks outfit.

edfurniture: Dress shirt, slacks, kinda churchy.

HisCheapMoves: Kitty, how credible is this story?

kittydeathstar: appeals to the “parade” magazine reader in me….

kittydeathstar: how was the hair?

edfurniture: Tom Cruise does own a house in Sarasota, supposedly.

edfurniture: It was plain old Tom Cruise hair.

edfurniture: You can’t mistake it.

HisCheapMoves: ™

edfurniture: I had my doubts, until I realized no one else could possibly have both the Face TM and Hair TM

kittydeathstar: heh heh

HisCheapMoves: Nobody else recognized him?

edfurniture: One other thing that stood out was the enormous gold jewelry he was wearing.

kittydeathstar: Bling bling?

edfurniture: Which didn’t work well.

edfurniture: Serious Bling bling.

edfurniture: A big fat ring and a bracelet.

edfurniture: Probably enchanted with weird Hubbard mojo.

kittydeathstar: No gaudy diamond-encrusted cross?

HisCheapMoves: Was Penny Cruz with him?

edfurniture: No, he was with a shorter woman, who was kinda chubby and definitely not Penelope Cruz.

edfurniture: He seemed like a nice guy.

edfurniture: He’d hold doors, etc.

HisCheapMoves: Definitely “Parade” material.

HisCheapMoves: He could take some lessons from Russ Crowe.

kittydeathstar: Did he do that laugh-and-clap thing?

edfurniture: Definitely not. Like I said, there was that weird plasticity to his face.

edfurniture: He wasn’t acting like Tom Cruise.

HisCheapMoves: That’s METHOD not acting like Tom Cruise.

edfurniture: I got up and went to the bathroom a couple times, and passed by his table.

edfurniture: To get different angles.

edfurniture: And each time, I’d look really close…and I’d think, “OK, let’s see if this is him. If it is, I am sure he is used to this, if he isn’t, I am just a weirdo staring at some guy.”

HisCheapMoves: Indeed.

edfurniture: And it scared the dickens out of me each time. Because it was an exact match.

kittydeathstar: I like the way you think!

edfurniture: “Holy shit! That’s Tom Cruise!”

HisCheapMoves: I have heard he’s short.

HisCheapMoves: Let’s consult the Google Oracle.

edfurniture: I heard that too, but I also heard that it’s fun to be a graphic designer.

kittydeathstar: Someone’s jivin’ you

HisCheapMoves: He’s 5’7″ — www.the-movie-times.com/thrsdir/actors/tomcruise.html

HisCheapMoves: Is that short?

edfurniture: That’s not too short.

kittydeathstar: For a wrestler, it’s pretty short…

HisCheapMoves: Shorter than his real name: Thomas Maphother IV

edfurniture: 4 inches shorter than me.

HisCheapMoves: So if Tom Cruise were a wrestler, what would be his schtick?

edfurniture: That’s a tough one.

kittydeathstar: There’s an unclaimed gay vampire gimmick on the market….

edfurniture: All I’ve ever really seen him do is eat Mayheeko food.

HisCheapMoves: He already did that in Interview with the Vampire…

kittydeathstar: Everything old is new again. Let’s roll!

HisCheapMoves: The feared Gay Vampire.

HisCheapMoves: Dr. Maul is a good wrestler name.

kittydeathstar: Surprised it’s not been taken yet….

kittydeathstar: Is there a Dr. Maul in the real world?

HisCheapMoves: Indeed there is, and he’s well-respected.

HisCheapMoves: Seems like a nice guy… but get him in the ring…

kittydeathstar: Do tell!

kittydeathstar: Does he work the Memphis territories?

HisCheapMoves: He teaches at the local university. He does marine stuff, interesting stuff.

HisCheapMoves: I couldn’t tell you what, though. I’m sure it’s very interesting.

edfurniture: I have a hard time believing that.

kittydeathstar: With a name like that, you couldn’t be stopped.

HisCheapMoves: So did I. Then he put me in a half-nelson.

HisCheapMoves: So give us some office drama for the viewers at home, dear guest.

edfurniture: Office drama?

edfurniture: Right now, my woman and I are frantically typing resumes.

HisCheapMoves: Fascinating.

kittydeathstar: Do you put in an “Awards/Honors” section?

kittydeathstar: Or is that too show-off-ish these days?

HisCheapMoves: Only if you list posthumous awards.

edfurniture: You know, I haven’t really done a resume in a couple years…

edfurniture: It’s funny to go back and read your old resumes.

edfurniture: “They should have never hired me.”

kittydeathstar: Golden memories….

kittydeathstar: Why I remember….

edfurniture: I don’t wanna be a damn designer anymore.

edfurniture: I hate it.

kittydeathstar: Getting my head stuck in the railing at the Home Depot, and crying my eyes out.

edfurniture: But perhaps that is just All Or None Functioning again.

kittydeathstar: Now why not?

HisCheapMoves: I heard Home Depot now refuses to sell to the government.

edfurniture: It’s All Or None, man.

kittydeathstar: I like that…..

edfurniture: You read the damn Ayn Rand, didn’t you?

kittydeathstar: Nope. Not enough pictures.

edfurniture: In fact, I heard you knew a red-haired girl once upon a time.

edfurniture: In Gainesville.

kittydeathstar: Now we’re getting good!

kittydeathstar: Orlando, but these cities are all the same.

edfurniture: That’s right.

edfurniture: And all red-haired people are the same.

edfurniture: So let’s leave her out of this, too.

kittydeathstar: Hey buddy…..

HisCheapMoves: Hey, no backing down now.

edfurniture: I’ll hang up.

HisCheapMoves: First the Scottish guy now this.

kittydeathstar: C’mon pretty baby, don’t be coy.

HisCheapMoves: What’s with you leaving the red-heads out?

edfurniture: My mom hates them.

HisCheapMoves: Red heads?

edfurniture: Damn right.

kittydeathstar: Is it the freckles?

HisCheapMoves: And now you refuse to acknowledge them?

edfurniture: It’s the grandchildren.

edfurniture: I think I will work in music.

HisCheapMoves: “Work” in “music”, that’s good.

HisCheapMoves: Well folks, that’s about all the time we have tonight.

HisCheapMoves: Any parting words from our guest?

edfurniture: Music would be good.

kittydeathstar: So true….

edfurniture: Screw this graphic design crap.

HisCheapMoves: And with that, “Bang”.

kittydeathstar: Bye bye.

edfurniture: bye.

HisCheapMoves: That was interesting.

kittydeathstar: Indeedy

HisCheapMoves: Here’s an interesting link with a good detour: www.salon.com/ent/clear_channel/index.html

kittydeathstar: Tastes great….

HisCheapMoves: I’m about to rant on Clear Channel, but first, feast your eyes on that vehicle that seems to be sponsoring this Salon page:

HisCheapMoves: Or just go to www2.porschecayenne.com

kittydeathstar: mmmm… making me hungry…

HisCheapMoves: How about this spicy enchilada?

HisCheapMoves: Reminds me of the classic pickup line, “Wanna see my keys that say Porsche on them?”

kittydeathstar: My manhood cries like a girl in the face of this magnificent beast –

HisCheapMoves: Take it stump jumping!

HisCheapMoves: Can you get it with a gun rack?

kittydeathstar: Swimming pools do cause shrinkage!

kittydeathstar: So do porsches *sniffle*

HisCheapMoves: I can just see the ad campaign — “Want to be Hot Shit?”

kittydeathstar: Cha-ching!

HisCheapMoves: “Faster than gastric reflux!”

kittydeathstar: The name just lacks that essential heroic quality……

HisCheapMoves: Coming soon, the Volkswagen Chipotle.

kittydeathstar: I don’t want my bad-ass car to have the same name as something in my grandmother’s old-timey spice rack.

kittydeathstar: Or the Cajun Chef’s catchphrase…..

kittydeathstar: Remember when he used to pimp potato chips?

HisCheapMoves: Hooooooweeee!

kittydeathstar: See there? Does THAT memory scream “status symbol?”

kittydeathstar: Kitsch is NOT a babe magnet!

kittydeathstar: I mean you might pick up John Waters….

HisCheapMoves: But then again, you might pick up John Waters.

kittydeathstar: Touche!

HisCheapMoves: So what kind of sicko would write a song called “I Wanna Poop In Diane Sawyer’s Mailbox”?

kittydeathstar: I’ll bite… I don’t know HCM, what kind of sicko?

HisCheapMoves: www.flamingmayo.com/wormquartet is what kind.

HisCheapMoves: And I’ll bet he never gets played on Clear Channel.

kittydeathstar: If it’s good enough for Dr.Demento…..

kittydeathstar: Clear Channel? Do I sense a rant?

HisCheapMoves: Salon seems to have a bone to pick with them. As does www.clearchannelsucks.org, who have a more comprehensive list of beefs but who may come off a bit… slanted.

HisCheapMoves: But Clear Channel’s stranglehold on radio and large concerts is undisputed.

HisCheapMoves: Remember when they were hawking .cc domains in ’99?

kittydeathstar: I never made the connection! Damn!

kittydeathstar: They sold like hotcakes – ink19.cc – and all

kittydeathstar: My favorite part is how they program for a local market hundreds of miles away… up to and including having the djs act like they’re doing remotes from particular local watering holes……

kittydeathstar: Harry Shearer riffed on this at length on his “Le Show” – www.harryshearer.com

HisCheapMoves: I’ll have to check that out.

kittydeathstar: Interviewing bands from Dino’s Wing House live hours before the show!

kittydeathstar: But really it’s a canned interview from weeks ago… blah…

kittydeathstar: from company headquarters.

HisCheapMoves: Corporate local shill bands.

kittydeathstar: Shame on everybody involved in that little transaction.

kittydeathstar: Fuck’em.

HisCheapMoves: I can just see the want ads — “Needed: Lackluster musicians. Must have own equipment and mullet. Appreciation for Jim Breuer a MUST!”

kittydeathstar: Yeah yeah baby!

kittydeathstar: Must like hot wings!

kittydeathstar: Served in a studio.

kittydeathstar: What’s your favorite nugget of shi… er info from the salon pieces

HisCheapMoves: Boilerplate scripts — “We’re having a great time here at [venue] and want everyone who wants to PARTY! to come on down, we’re having a great time. Here at [venue]. Is that right? [crowd noise].”

kittydeathstar: THAT’S IT. Exactly!

HisCheapMoves: The whole structure of modern payola. To summarize for our readers at home —

HisCheapMoves: There are three parties involved — radio stations, independent promoters and record labels.

HisCheapMoves: The independent promoters purchase the rights to the playlists from the radio stations.

HisCheapMoves: We’re talking $100,000 – $400,000 a year for the radio station, paid by the indie.

kittydeathstar: love the use of that term – “indie”

HisCheapMoves: The indies then turn around and bill the labels for records that the contracted radio station “adds” to its playlist.

HisCheapMoves: At $400-$3,000 a pop.

HisCheapMoves: So the labels are screaming, “this system is bleeding us dry!”

kittydeathstar: What a bargain for the privilege of No Doubt!

HisCheapMoves: And Clear Channel’s reply is “Then stop doing it!”

HisCheapMoves: (But it nets them something like $10 million a year)

HisCheapMoves: And now Congress is getting involved, so we now everything will be fixed, soon.

kittydeathstar: Just like they did with the FCC and the Telecommunications Act in the first place. Ahhh… pass me my teddy bear…

HisCheapMoves: Anyway, the image that comes to mind is a brontosaurus thrashing around in a tar pit.

kittydeathstar: I’ll sleep peacefully to the sounds of modern rock tonight….

HisCheapMoves: Twenty years from now, nobody will be able to rationally explain the music industry, any more than they could the dot-com bubble.

kittydeathstar: Add to the mix, of course, Rolling Stone Magazine’s annoyingly braying articles about the troubled state of cd sales and

kittydeathstar: major concert tour profits…

kittydeathstar: Ya know, who the fuck cares?

HisCheapMoves: Not to mention the troubled state of Rolling Stone.

HisCheapMoves: Their “SUmmer Double Issue” is significantly skinnier than their old plain issues.

HisCheapMoves: They used to have this Playboy heft to them.

kittydeathstar: Oh no, poor fucking Dumbshit Bubble Punk Band A’s 40 bucks a pop tickets aren’t selling….

kittydeathstar: And their normal issues are like a fucking shitty pamphlet…

HisCheapMoves: Prepare Dumbshit Bubble Punk Band B!

kittydeathstar: I get ad circulars with more rock and roll edge to them….

HisCheapMoves: Rolling out the dumbshit rock like androids from some Bond baddie conveyor belt.

kittydeathstar: Oh sniffle… we sunk so much money into ad promo for our “artist” and now you dumb fans are fucking it up by not buying the record…

kittydeathstar: We hate you, fans!

HisCheapMoves: Pay up, artist!

HisCheapMoves: Help us, congress!

kittydeathstar: Speaking of we hate the fans… HisCheap… I gotta slip this in real quick…

kittydeathstar: You’ll like it, I promise…..

kittydeathstar: Saw on the cable news tonight that Britney Spears got booed at the opening of her New York restaurant by the press last night… for keeping them waiting for three hours and then brushing by without even a word or pause for photos..

kittydeathstar: in the rain….

HisCheapMoves: What’s her place called? “LIke, Food”

kittydeathstar: And her “partner” in the venture made the totally awesome claim that while Britney has not YET tasted any of the food yet, well, her manager has and so it’s just like “she tasted the food by osmosis!”

kittydeathstar: Fuck yeah! I couldn’t MAKE THIS SHIT UP!

HisCheapMoves: “But first we had to explain to her what osmosis was.”

kittydeathstar: Southern Food with a New York twist, I hear tell…..

HisCheapMoves: Gritty Grits

HisCheapMoves: Hard Biscuits

kittydeathstar: Hey, with the runaway success of this venture she’ll have no problem ponying up her share of the payola….

HisCheapMoves: I’d rather eat at “G.G. Allin’s House of Chowder”

kittydeathstar: … or do I give it two weeks before shutdown?

kittydeathstar: Waiter, in my chowder there’s a… oh ambience? Nevermind…..

HisCheapMoves: Floorshow, every night.

kittydeathstar: What? Is Brother Merle gonna try to flog me shitty bootlegs?

HisCheapMoves: I heard GG never tasted the food, but his manager has, so it’s just like “he crapped on it by proxy!”

kittydeathstar: Allin undies? Where my dogs at? Where they at?

kittydeathstar: Oh Merle, oh Britney…..

kittydeathstar: I suppose some people do want their rock idols to be franchises….

HisCheapMoves: The Japanese are way ahead with their virtual starlets///

kittydeathstar: Do tell…..

HisCheapMoves: You haven’t heard of this?

kittydeathstar: Nopey

HisCheapMoves: Computer generated pop stars?

kittydeathstar: Keep going…

kittydeathstar: Do they “do” payola? Virtual payola?

HisCheapMoves: Stock options!

kittydeathstar: Rimshot Supreme!

HisCheapMoves: www.wdirewolff.com/jkyoko.htm

kittydeathstar: Wait a…

kittydeathstar: Well gee, sorry HCM, but my fucking ham radio crapped out on me there…

kittydeathstar: I had to repair some wires with bubble gum

HisCheapMoves: Goodness. When’s the next supply plane?

kittydeathstar: 50bps of PAIN!

HisCheapMoves: Dialup masochism

kittydeathstar: But oh.. the perks… slow loading….coconuts for speakers… c’mon don’t be jealous…

HisCheapMoves: Do you have one of those models with the woodpecker inside?

HisCheapMoves: We’ll keep an eye on this Clear Channel “situation” …

HisCheapMoves: and leave our readers with a link — www.reddkross.com/home.html?reddstripes/index.html~content — and a closing song, “Bang”, again by the Yeahyeahyeahs.

HisCheapMoves: Well, kitty is waiting for phil silvers to land on the island and help me find that pesky woodpecker so i can get back online… so

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