We’ve been slaving long and hard for like, the last five minutes, to put together the awesomest Unbalaced Breakfast New Year’s Eve Party this side of Verdana 10pt.

Did you just see the White Stripes on SNL? All of a sudden, I feel like having a Pina Colada.

A gun-toting musician forced a southern Brazilian radio station to play his debut album for more than an hour after apparently having no luck opening the doors of show business, the man’s father said.

“To combat their problem with a declining population (which apparently is having to start economic ramifications), a clever Swedish lawmaker has proposed ‘Porn Saturdays’ on national TV.”

Writers receiving review copies of two soon-to-be-released albums – Tori Amos’s “Scarlet’s Walk” and Pearl Jam’s “Riot Act” – are finding the CD’s already inside Sony Walkman players that have been glued shut. Headphones are also glued into the players, to prevent connecting the Walkman to a recording device.

A quick rundown of the amenities: “Oh, man, what does it NOT have? It’s gonna be like 1,000,000 sq. ft., 19 stories, all together”

The star of Knight Rider and Baywatch! Butch Walker! ’80s Time Warp! The Kissimme Sherrif’s Department! Momus!

Andy Dick! Tom Cruise! Porsche Cayenne! Britney’s Place! Clear Channel! G.G. Allin!

Live from various computers! It’s the first episode of Unbalanced Breakfast! Hischeapmoves and kittydeathstar take on various burning issues of the day, with help from this week’s guest, the oblique Ed Furniture.

Kelly Osbourne! Noam Chomsky! Sloan! Nikki Sixx! Bill Hicks!