Monkey Friction

David Lee Beowülf

I must confess that I have never had a particular inkling towards monkeys. As a matter of fact I rather dislike primates, choosing to draw the line at lemurs. I have a particular hatred for most representatives of the genus Homo, which is focused on Homo sapiens.

All my life I have studied, either formally, in school, or informally through my vast collection of zoological texts, animals from all over the world. Monkeys and apes have always held the lowest interest for me. I simply don’t like them.

I’ve seen the rhesus monkeys, the capuchins, marmosets, howlers, orangutans, gorillas, baboons, chimpanzees, Albanian snow monkeys, new world, old world. They are boring, ugly, smelly, and downright creepy. I cannot understand why anyone finds these extremely filthy creatures “cute.” They smell bad, rudely display their genitals for all to see, and resemble victims of severe Down’s Syndrome. They’re sloppy killers, too. In short, they have no class.

You question me that monkeys are dirty? You say they spend much of their day “grooming” each other? I would answer: a good bath twice a day would keep those lice away so your neighbor wouldn’t have to sift through your hair for “snacks!”

Monkeys just don’t do anything for me. Except maybe gorillas, but only because they’re so big and dark. Black as pitch. It seems such a waste that they’re peaceful vegetarians. If they had mean streaks they’d be as cool as bears.

I can’t understand why Michael Jackson gets so excited when he talks about his pet chimpanzee “Bubbles.” Wait a minute, it’s Michael Jackson… so what?! Chimpanzees are the ugliest of apes, and the most annoying. I mean, gibbons will dance around and swing limb-by-limb, but chimpanzees always have to be dressed up and made to scream and smile. Orangutans, besides looking like malnourished lepers, are even less appealing. How can anyone enjoy watching one of those long-armed, orange skin-bags doing anything? What’s next for them after seeing Clyde drink beer after beer? Anyone want to see an orangutan shoot heroin? Not me, no thank you.

Hyenas kill with more grace than baboons or chimpanzees. Chimps are vicious buggers when they get in the mood for blood, too. What’s that? You didn’t know chimpanzees ate meat? I recall one TV special where a troop of chimps hunted down and ripped to bloody pieces a small gibbon, which they all devoured. I’m a fan of team violence, but this wasn’t sporting at all; there was little chase, lots of screaming and tearing. Oh, how I’d like to shoot darts at those chimps, hearing them squeal in agony as each dart sunk home…

Baboons are even worse. Now I’ve heard tales that chimpanzees have the strength to rip a man’s arm off. Yet I’ve never actually heard of it happening, plus I can’t imagine some ugly, gibbering, hairy thing in a midget’s cowboy suit going “apeshit” and attacking someone. Baboons, on the other hand, are usually terrifying. They have huge canine teeth that frequently are used to crack baby gazelle’s skulls to get at the tender brains, and they hunt in well-organized troops, killing anything in sight.

The worst, though, are those little monkeys I saw in the elephant house at the Washington, D.C. Zoo, that were allowed to roam free, eating peanuts and keeping the elephants company. They were covered in vermin, filth, and who knows what else. They reminded me of smelly homeless people.

I learned a lot about myself and monkeys the night I finally saw Faces of Death. The infamous scene where the two white couples, probably American, are on an exotic holiday and for dinner… the couple is seated at a round table in the middle of which is a hole just big enough to fit a monkey’s head. The waiter brings the guests a live monkey, which he deftly secures in a special compartment under the table, allowing the monkey’s head to protrude through the center hole. Each guest is given a little mallet and instructed to whack the monkey on the head until it is dead. Once it expires, they will eat the monkey’s brains. Yum.

While I had no desire to eat fresh monkey brains, I found myself thrilled by the scene. The helpless monkey twirled around screaming as the four “normal” people slammed down on his head with hammers. Its screaming sparked something inside me, like an ancient species-protecting racism directed at lower primates. Oh! How I wanted to join in and bash that little bastard! Scream more, you helpless little twit! I’ll teach you to walk upright! Take that! And that! And that! And that! ◼