Monica, Darling!

Monica, Darling!

You’ve come a long way, baby!

Let me see a show of hands from everyone who’s seen one of those “bun” exercise device advertisements on TV. How about a show of hands from those of you who’ve seen any exercise machine advertised on television recently? Put your hands down. I can’t see them, this is a magazine article.

The only exercise machine I’ve seen on TV worth a damn is this boxing simulator called “Slam Man,” where your workout consists of playing “Whack-A-Mole” on a life-size human manikin. One more problem solved with violence… The problem being: how can I lose weight? Of course the problem really isn’t “how do I lose weight?” but “how can I make myself look good for the opposite sex?” No, men don’t really have that problem, do they? All we need to do is smell like money and bingo! Women, on the other hand, need to exercise so they can wag their sculpted buns around like cheap hookers to attract men. Isn’t it interesting that they’re trying to reduce inches in order to increase the “inches” they’ll get?

Happy Men

Speaking of working out to look good, what about us guys? At my gym, there are men who can only be described as “beautiful.” These guys are blessed with perfect bone structure, excellent muscularity, low body fat; these guys look like statues of Greek gods. And they spend an awful lot of time in the gym, in the tanning salon (those who need tans), plenty of time keeping their skin healthy, and they get the best haircuts in the world. These men are tall, gorgeous guys, with good careers, excellent taste in food, wine, clothing, and sunglasses. But they ain’t doing it for the ladies, ohh, no… These are the “A-List” men who would rather spend summer nights partying their asses off on Fire Island than a minute with some irrelevant women.

Aside from the “A-Team” the majority of eligible men in the gym are all trying to compensate for something, which the ladies recognize a mile away, so it doesn’t matter how chiseled your abs are; you’re pegged a loser. If you want to get the women, splash on plenty of eau de cash. Of course, there are plenty of men who are comfortably satisfied with their killer looks and just want to have a good time. But only with chicks in possession of sculptured buns. These are the guys who laugh at fat girl jokes and prefer thong bikinis on their women. They’ll take you out on a date, get you drunk, bang you nine ways to Sunday and have you back home pretty soon after. They have the car, the money, but you know what? They’d much rather spend a night at the bar drinking with the boys, watching sports and then go home and [decorum, please! –Ed.] to “barely legal” lesbian porn. Better get to work, your prize husband might be scouting new territory…

Kate Moss Against the Appleheads

Some time in the late 1960s, or maybe in the 1970s, the breeders of cats decided to change the look of the Siamese cat. The classic Siamese is frequently referred to as an “Applehead,” owing to its facial features. An Applehead was the star of the original Walt Disney film That Darn Cat, and is probably the most recognizable breed of cat in history. The Applehead is charming, with strong, robust features and an athletic constitution. The Applehead is inquisitive, highly intelligent, loud, and downright human. What the cat breeders of the world decided to do was breed out all the Applehead’s aesthetically pleasing features, and create a whole new Siamese paradigm. They kept the personality, but bred out the classic seal points, blue points, and chocolate points of the Applehead and replaced them with a hungry-looking, pyramid-headed, kinky-tailed monstrosity. They look more like Siamese rats than cats! Siamese Cats: the Michael Jackson of the feline world.

We have allowed the controlling powers to do the same thing to women! Look: coming down the runway, the “supermodel” modeling death shrouds! These stick-figure model types have no breasts, no butts, and their legs and arms are toothpicks! What man could have done this, except one who hates women so much he destroys the very things that make them women, namely, breasts, butts, and healthy legs? This was implemented in the 1920s, with flat-chested “flappers” being all the rage, and look what it caused: the Great Depression!

If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It

By 1960, Helen of Troy had returned to the world in the form of Sophia Loren. Sophia, a woman who weighed-in at +150 her entire life, had the total package: The face to launch a thousand ships, those breasts, thighs, butt. Woof! And how did the world respond? Well, since every man born a real man was drooling over the most beautiful woman of the last 3,000 or so years, something had to be done. So the fashion industry re-invents the 1920s with Twiggy. Flat on both sides, dull, butch. Moreover, for the last 35 years we’ve had Twiggies limping down the runway and being sold to us as “womanly And what’s funny is that women have been sold on the routineness of breast implants. So now they can still “enjoy” their “single leaf of lettuce a day” diets and have big tits. Fake tits look like shit! Oh, at first glance, they look great! But a closer look reveals hungry, sunken cheeks, and spaghetti arms that can’t lift a teacup!

Interlewd

One of life’s pleasures is a nightgown that easily slides off a woman’s shoulders. If there are shoulders, rather than sharp, bony protuberances that would put your eye out if you got too close, say, while trying to bite that shoulder and then [low-brow comment deleted]. These shoulders can’t even hold up a full head of hair. Hence those stupid butch haircuts came into fashion! Then, when the gown finally comes off there’s a little boy in bed with you!

Bill Clinton, My Brother

Real women are distinctive, conforming only to the laws of nature. Take Paula Jones (“–Please!” shouts Bill Clinton). Some men don’t find her attractive. But they’re too into lesbian porn to appreciate women with interesting faces. I mean Paula’s nose is one of her best assets. Naturally, Bill found her Opus-rivaling schnozz a turn-on. Man, she’s hot, and I totally see what Bill wants. Since it’s OK to approach a women and demand that she [not in this magazine, mister! –Ed.], I can just imagine looking down on her and the shnozola as she [too boorish to print –Ed.] and then I’d [ditto –Ed.] when finally she would [Jesus Christ, Dave! –Ed.], “Paula, you’re the greatest!”

Then there’s Monica Lewinsky. Believe it or not, I’ve met men and women who think she’s ugly. Mind you, those women are the half-starved, plasto-cyborg, Olive Oyls and the beer-belied men who love them, so consider the source. No wonder her fellow women are jealous! Here’s this jailbait bimbo on the President’s staff — something the rest of them binged and purged for twenty years for, while Monica feasted on brownies! Ha! Monica is a dish! She’s chubby where a woman should be chubby, with a big, fleshy face, rosy cheeks, rockin’ hips… Monica is a babe! She’s got big gams, big ta-tas, and a big face with a huge, wide open mouth. THAT is the biggest turn-on in the universe. She’s freakin’ Baberham Lincoln! Plus she’s stupid and therefore easily won. Man, I’d like to [too offensive –Ed.] and then [sorry, too vulgar –Ed.] connect the dots [Good Lord! –Ed.] and make her wear that cute little beret! Ruff!

In Like Flint (Larry)

[Entire paragraph too nasty to print –Ed.]

Designing Women

Linda Blair makes my head spin! If any women had potential to be the next Sophia, Linda’s in the running. But Hollywood wasted her. And what happened? Negative-talents like Pamela Lee demand surgery to look like Linda Blair. But “men” go for this plastic, pathetic bimbo — and so did the movies! Tommy Lee can have his wax [obscenity]. I want Linda Blair!

These pasty American waifs who look like potato famine refugees can have their alcoholic frat boy jerkoffs! I want Delta Burke, the plump alabaster goddess! Booting her off Designing Women for being too fat was the stupidest move in the history of television! So she chunked up?! Big deal! She’s supposed to look like that, and she looks great! Haven’t you seen her swimsuit line?! If you ask me, the Delta-shaped figure is what we need to get this country back on its feet. Just keep this in mind: the more you girls fight getting older, the uglier you become. If you just let nature work the body chemistry, you’re beautiful forever. And if you right-sized ladies are really worried about keeping physically fit, I have a nightly “exercise routine” that’ll keep you in shape for the rest of your lives!

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