Hell on Wheels
Tour Stories: Remembered, Remixed, Remastered
Mike Cubillos
University of Hell Press
Rock and roll may be fun for the audience, but backstage life is full of missed communication, crummy wiring, and groupies packed with STDs and bad cocaine. Hell on Wheels takes us down the backstage rat hole of life, and one of these short, true-life stories might make you consider a safer job, like say, bomb squad or organ donation in an army field hospital. Let’s take a peek.
First out of the cover, we are introduced to the Asexual (told by John Kastner). It’s a typical story, the boys sleep on a creaky bus and leave one of the guys behind on tour, camping out for a night with drunk bikers and drinking Jack Daniel’s like it’s Evian. It’s a near-death experience, and not atypical for small-time starts praying to get to the rusted yellow school bus level, and just one more gig might make it break even. Many rock and roll horror tales involve biker gangs, for some odd reason that is not explored here. Personally, I don’t see the connection. I’ll flip forward a few sections to the Asian alcohol-induced tour by Roppongi. It’s not a band I’m familiar with, but the story is common enough. These guys may have been big in Japan, but not in the U.S. of A. Despite obscurity, they run up insane bar tabs — I sense a trend, up to and including unknown Russians.
They brag about that bar bill, but I’ll let you read the book. After all, I wouldn’t want to corrupt you, unless you are paying. I’ll say this: my liver was cowering under the couch from just reading this tale of forgotten woe.
I flip forward, channeling a ton of newer bands that I ought to be hip to, but somehow missed. Finally, I catch up to an older and well-known group of punkers: “The Vandals” (story by Joe Escalante). This cautionary tale takes us back to old communist Germany, when Berlin is split into capitalist and communist sectors. The band books a gig in old East Germany, but must enter the comfy town sans instruments, just cash and passport. They paraphrase: “You can always get with you want, but bribery might help.” The incident is scary, but the gig goes down well, with borrowed instruments and poor lighting. While these stories are always scary, nearly every horror show listed here turned into a well-attended show and a fond memory.
I’d like to add a few words about the publisher, University of Hell Press. This is a new outfit to me, but their website is packed with some wild looking material, including such gems as The Most Fun You Can Have at A Cage Fight, Erase the Patriarchy, and The Little Book of How to Kill Yourself. I’ve not had a chance to explore them further, but all the U of H titles appear to be taking us back to the early days of the youth moment. Not having read them, I make no promises of quality, but it’s worth the bandwidth to look at the catalog. You might still be able to change the world, even at your advanced age. ◼
