Your Wrestling Toy of the Week is- Justin Credible?
by Matthew Damascus
Okay, people, it’s selling on Ebay and various ECW-related shill sites, for between $6-$10, but I calmly walked into Toys-R-Us, picked my way through the racks and racks of Trash’ Talkin’ Stone Cold Steve Austin figures (imagine 63 foot-high redneck dolls all at once gruflly commanding: “Listen here, jackass. You’d better buy me and that’s the bottom line cuz Stone Cold said so.” Over and over) and snatched up the ECW Series 1 Justin Credible figure. “Featuring Double-Axe Handle.”
Why Did I Buy It?:
1. To impress my friends?
2. In hopes that the toy would come alive and think up that crucial catchphrase that I’m lacking to spice up my everyday life? I mean, come on, this is the man who came up with “That’s not just the coolest, that’s not just the best, now that’s justin credible!” He’s spitting diamonds here baby!
3. So I could grab him by his little plastic shoulders and shake him back and forth while screaming, “You’re ECW Heavyweight Champion? You? How have we sunk this low? Look at yourself, You make me sick!”?
4. I could break off his little plastic right leg in an act of symbolic revenge for his human counterpart’s bizarre and nonsensical victory over the Great SASUKE?
5. If I ever buy a toy Shawn Michaels figure, Mr. Toy Michaels can have someone to fawn over his every move?
6. So that he could blackmail me into making him the Desk Decoration Heavyweight Champion… no, that was just catty.
All good guesses. But not quite there.
We’ll chalk it up as an impulse buy, but there is also the sinister possibility that I’ve thrown my lot in with Justin Credible in the hopes of being a fan of a wrestler who actually (is allowed to) win matches and hold titles instead of being jobbed to infinity (see Raven, Psicosis, Silver King, Little Guido).
More on that later, now on with the review…
A. Points have to be awarded for the accuracy of the ring attire. The black shirt, white tape around the wrists and fingers, combat boots and blue jeans shorts with black tights underneath is all well-represented. Extra points for the white socks poking out above the combat boots. The shorts-with-tights ensemble has to be commended, its half heyday-of-Seattle-grunge, half Axl Rose during his breakdown phase, all attention to detail. We’ll say +50 points.
B. Ten points for the faithfully-rendered bald head, instead of succumbing to Hulk-Hogan-Toy-Disease and using boatloads of artistic license to add a full head of lustrous hair, or at least a buzz cut. +10 points.
C. Ten points for the “hardcore accessory” garbage can. What’s garbage wrestling without the garbage can? +10 points.
D. I’m taking away one-hundred points for the Kendo Stick not being included in the package. Jesus Christ, no Justin Credible match is complete without him caning the hell out of a woman or Tommy Dreamer. They should have just glued it to his hands. I won’t stand for it. –100 points.
E. Going to subtract ten more points for the “Double Axe Handle Action.” Why? It doesn’t make sense. Credible doesn’t make it a point to do Double-Axe Handles in matches. I think the toymakers are trying to cover up how they’re stuck at the 1987 Lex Luthor “Kryptonite Punch” level. At least with the Taz figure, my brother showed me how you can do all of the weird arm, leg, and left nostril suplexes. –10 points.
F. I just realized that the “Double Axe Handle” accomodates the “suck it” gesture that Credible busts out every 4 seconds. Accuracy judges award 20 points. +20 points.
G. Two points for attempting a sneer on his face. I must admit, it’s light years ahead of those oddly primal facial expressions that WWF figures always seem to be making. +2 points.
H. Finally, though, I have to hammer them on the bushy-ass eyebrows that they cruely painted onto every Credible figure. What the hell? He’s not in Oasis! When I see Justin Credible, I don’t think “eyebrows better suited for that creepy gossip writer on E! Gossip Show.” What were they thinking? I realize that they are trying to avoid the Ziggy Stardust glam stigma of no eyebrows at all, but these eye-mustaches are ridiculous. Unfaithful representation, and it’s the first thing that people notice. –376 points.
Final score tally: –396 points.
Final thoughts: Did I mention that despite the flaws and that sad score, ECW figures pretty much trash any WWF or WCW toy on the market (expect for the Sandman/Hak figure with the exploding soda machine, now that is godhead)? An all-around better product, that a little more attention to details and quirks would make stellar. JUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE GODDAMN EYEBROWS!! I feel like a champ already.
*Got this picture from Ebay, please note the seller’s tasteful usage of cream flannel-print wallpaper to complement the product. We call this the “hard sell.” Many ECW events that I’ve been to have degenerated into shouting matches between the fans over the relative benefits of floral prints vs. wood-paneling vs. just painting the bloody wall white and hoping for the best. In ECW, we call that a three-way dance. Now that’s extreme.
I am humbled: Workrate Cru