Bladejob

Goddamn! What A Disturbing Triple H Video!

It’s all about the self-improvement, baby.

I discovered that I was trapped in a quandary: I didn’t enjoy watching Monday Night RAW anymore, but yet I was habitually DRIVEN to sit there in front of the TV, pretty much hating every moment of it (except for the odd Steven William Regal appearance). So what’s a boy to do? Watch Nitro? cough can’t cough too shitty cough Watch ECW or Japan tapes? Seemed a bit sad to me. Let’s do the Time Warp Again… That kind of sad.

The answer smacked me in the face: Swallow your fucking pride and pick a main-event or upper-card wrestler to follow/like/support and then you can watch RAW to your markish little heart’s content. Unorthodox and strange, perhaps. But arbitrarily picking a wrestler seemed like a crude but effective plan at the time.

The downside to this “crude but effective plan” is that it automatically disqualified my two favorite WWF wrestlers, Tazz and Raven, from the runnings. Cuz all they do right now is job, my man.

So I’m watchin’ RAW and thinkin’, thinkin’ and scoutin’ and out of nowherez, Triple H turns yowza bad evil badddd again. Sledgehammer, black glove, blood, greasy hair, profanity, etc.

Wow, consider me converted.

Of course, then I miss both RAW and Smackdown the following week, because of dumb real life intervening, so my nascent Triple H fandom is temporarily derailed.

I feel just awful about the whole thing.

How’m I gonna make it up to the WWF? Cuz they certainly need MY support NOW more than EVER, riiiiiight? Right. Right-o. So I take the fatal plunge– I order my first WWF pay-per-view since Wrestlemania, early last summer. WWF Survivor Series. I’m supposed to cheer on mah boy Triple H, as he takes on both Stone Cold Steve Austin AND a serious back injury. It’s not going to be pretty. Or even entertaining. Gulp

But all my fears soon became immaterial and irrelevant as the WWF busted out the most distburbed, damaged, weirdfucked intro video montage that I’ve EVER EVER EVER seen in all o’ my years of watching pro wrestling. Did you ever see that Nine Inch Nails video for “Closer”? It’s stranger. Ditto most of the Skinny Puppy and old Ministry crap. Whomever put together this little piece of brilliance deserves hearty congratulations. But let’s take a closer look (scene-by-scene breakdown even) of THAT Goddamn Disturbing Triple H Video!


Block 1: Shots of Triple H’s massively steroided back all hunched over and intense intercut with black and white scenes of crowds going into tunnels (circa Holocaust? unsure). Dialogue snip: “…pulling your strings…”

Subliminal Message 1: -PUPPETS-

(Subliminal messages are always a nice touch, as also is the spooky Coil-esque heartbeat/backbeat that soundtracks the WHOLE SEGMENT. And I’m always cool with iconography that plays with fire).

Block 2: HHH attacking Stone Cold Steve Austin in sloooow motion, quick edits of HHH posing, very GRAINY replay of Triple H running over Austin with a car. Dialogue snip: “…all fools…”

Subliminal Message 2: -LIE-

Block 3: Stock footage of some guy clubbing an animal to death in weird red filter, followed by lizard embryo thing twitching insanely.

(HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! That last block almost made me spit my tea across the room in horror and excitement. Adds some much needed Luciferian dementia to the Triple H character. Whuzzat?)

[[hhh666]] Block 4: Charles Manson-esque cloesup shot of Triple H’s eyes, cut to arrogant Machivellian “arms outstretched pose”, cut to sneak attacks on Stone Cold Steve Austin in red tint. dialogue snip- “… do you think you know what truth is…”

(This next one is the make-or-break block)

Block 5: Scary ass demonic trademark Triple H POSE! (arms oustretched, face contorted, shadows) Cut immediately to black and white RIOT scenes, cut to footage of a public hanging.

Subliminal Message 3: -HATE-

(HOLY FUCK!! They have definitely taken the Triple H heel character up 2000 notches into serial killer territory with that block! Public Executions! Civil Unrest! Primal Fear! Yes!)

Block 6: Quick edits of Triple H shots, cut in with closeups of faces contorted and disfigured in pain.

Subliminal Message 4: -FEAR-

(It just gets better!)

Block 7: Close up on Triple H as he makes vile threats to Austin, complete with red static and voice DRENCHED in distortion.

Subliminal Message 5: -PAIN-

Block 8: Approximately four different shots of Austin bleeding, sometimes overlaid with so much screen distortion that you cannot tell if it is him. Snuff-film-tastic! Dialogue snip: “…the new game… one you cannot win…”

(Blood can still be effective in this day and age, if used sparingly and correctly).

Block 9: Dialogue snip: “…Tonight, Austin…” Dead body falls to ground, another dead body hits the ground (old old stock footage), very creepy. Cut to Triple H, pose, pose, pose. Still good.

Subliminal Message 6: -GAME OVER-

Block 10: Reprise of Charlie-Don’t-Surf closeup, cut to Triple H spitting water like it was venom (see: Onita, Atsushi), and brooding pose as he turns to face camera, wet hair tossed out of eyes. Dialogue snip: “Game Over” (VERY distorted)

Subliminal Message 7: -GAME OVER-

END.

Jesus, there were wrestling matches after that?


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