WWF Forceable Entry
Smackdown / Columbia
Here’s some tips for you hopeful bands out there, salivating over the thought of YOUR lil’ song thundering out every Monday on RAW as your fave rave approaches the ring, ready to engage in some brutality. Remember, I do this out of love.
If you’re writing a song for a fucking wrestler’s entrance theme to go on a fucking wrestling album, don’t get all cutesy with me. Make it a “heavy” song with a central riff that’s simple yet effective (see Melvins, The), name-check the damn wrestler somewhere within the song, and for fuck’s sake, mention his finishing move at least once. It’s the cornerstone that defines a wrestler. Don’t get all artsy, don’t reference love or sadness (it’ll get him eaten alive) and surely if you’re worth your salt, the words “choke,” “pin,” or “slam” will rear their heads more than once. And before I forget, listen up, Jim Johnson is THE MASTER of the plodding, catchy, two-chord riff as far as you are concerned; if you are going to gussy up the wrestler’s theme music, that’s fine, kind of, but just remember to leave THE FUCKING RIFF ALONE! It’s what we recognize. We like it. Now keep your grubby paws off it. So who gets “the rub” and who gets powerbombed off the stage through a table? Let’s begin.
There’s a lot of crap on this record, let me get that off my chest first, a lot of shitty, trend-hopping, ball-less nu-metal bullshit. For instance, Drowning Pool does a completely pointless remake of Triple H’s theme song, when, um, Motorhead performed a perfectly serviceable rendition of the tune that Triple H fucking comes out to EVERY DAMN NIGHT. Blech. Kid Rock is on here. Next. Marilyn Manson. Next. Creed. Next. Limp Bizkit too. Next Fucking Next. These bands suck and there is no point in discussing them. Then there’s the case of bands I don’t care about one way or the other doing pointless “twists” on a wrestler=EDs theme. Hey fuckwits, I outlined the rules in the second paragraph, so take it outside. There goes Boy Hits Car butchering “Lita’s Theme,” Our Lady Peace pussying up Chris Benoit, and Monster Magnet, Saliva, Breaking Point, Neurotica, and Dope (Bingo!).
Damn, most of these bands aren’t even hip anymore. And by the way, the new RAW theme “Across the Nation,” courtesy of The Union Underground, is going to sound more dated than ragtime by autumn.
By this time, you throw up your hands in despair and exclaim, “Well, what do you like, dickhead?” Lemme tell you. I hate Disturbed, but they get high marks for a faithful and heavy as hell remake of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s “Glass Shatters” theme, complete with some great Axl Rose-ish vocals. Thumbs up. Ditto to Sevendust for a nice basic version of Chris Jericho’s “Break the Walls Down” including a nice break where the singer sccccrrreams “JERICHO!” — excellent. Rob Zombie squeaks by with “Never Gonna Stop” just because on WWF they showed Edge performing backing vocals at a Rob Zombie concert a few months back. And that was good for camp — or cringe — value if nothing else. That leaves just two songs battling it out for Best In Show. Stereomud’s “End Of Everything — Raven’s Theme” is grand because it’s RAVEN’S theme. Yeah baby, RAVEN! FUCKING RAVEN! And that of course means that there is a picture of RAVEN in the CD artwork. Aaaaaahhhh. And the singer screams “Raaaaaaaaaaven!” a bunch of times. The other winner here is Cypress Hill’s simply fantastic version of Tazz’s theme song, titled here “Just Another Victim.” The Hill is smart enough to keep the heartbeat/flatline intro and then proceed to beef up the monstrous bassline, rap like badasses about “Thug Life” and choking suckas out and even include samples from wrestling announcers talking about Tazz and his (once) path of rage. Wow. SEE there, all you morons in the third paragraph? This is how it’s done!
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