Bantam’s Don’t Be’s

Don’t Be So Sure That You Liked It
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- November 15, 2002
Chuck Bantam is betrayed by the fickle mistress nostalgia when he picks up the DVD reissue of Return of the Living Dead Part III.
Don’t Be Filling Our Heads
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- October 20, 2002
Chuck Bantam’s been watching a little too much television lately, and now he wants to know what’s REALLY going on…
Don’t Be So Concerned About The Elephant
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- August 15, 2002
If it’s down to him or the elephant, Chuck Bantam reckons it better be the elephant. Plus, theme park employee bashing!
Don’t Be So Damn Whiny All Of The Time
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- July 20, 2002
Chuck Bantam loves his infant nephew, but that doesn’t mean that certain coworkers should imitate all his bad habits.
Don’t Be So Fucking Populated
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- June 27, 2002
Chuck Bantam has got a little piece of advice for old Mother Earth. Just a small, simple request.
Don’t Be Such A Big-Mouth Two-Face
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- June 10, 2002
Chuck Bantam opens his storybook to tell the heartwarming tale of Bob, who was tormented by the queen of gossip, before he transformed into an hardened, obscenity-spewing bastard. It’s a happy ending!

Don’t Be So High All Of The Time
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- May 21, 2002
I’ve been bugging Chuck Bantam to finish up this classic piece for months now, but he’s too busy listening to Phish! *Rimshot*
Don’t Be My World
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- May 7, 2002
Chuck Bantam looks around fifteen years later and wonders exactly where did it all go wrong? Maybe when you were young and strong…. I apologize.
Don’t Be Alarmed, They Just Want Your Money
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- April 15, 2002
Spendin’ Chuck Bantam wonders where all his money is going, and what this has to do with Mardi Gras and the human condition.
Don’t Be The Thing That Keeps Me Up At Night
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- March 25, 2002
Chuck Bantam wonders whether the pushy voices he hears late into the night are in his head or courtesy of the cable company.
Don’t Be Such A Stalker
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- February 25, 2002
Even more valuable advice from Chuck Bantam on scoring points with the ladies. Thanks for telling me now, Chuck…
Don’t Be Such A Rubbernecking Asshole
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- February 11, 2002
Chuck Bantam shoots ducks in a barrel, and wishes violent death on you-know-who. Try it, it’s fun.

Don’t Be Such a Shitty Director
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- January 23, 2002
Not naming any names, but Chuck Bantam offers some “friendly” advice to the guy who directed The Cell. Don’t miss this one! J-Lo bashing aplenty!
Don’t Be So Fucking Timid
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- November 16, 2001
Chuck Bantam tells us all about his friend Russell. You shoulda been there. Angus would have been proud.
Don’t Be So Concerned About What Others Think
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- October 16, 2001
Chuck Bantam takes a look at people who ask him why everyone else doesn’t like them, which, paradoxically, only makes him hate them more.
Don’t Be Such A Wife Beating Shit
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- September 7, 2001
Chuck Bantam weighs in with a caustic but humorous twist on a familiar story. Think of it as a little pep talk for all the Mike Tysons and “jarhead motherfuckers” who really need it.
Don’t Be Such An Opinionated Fuck
- Bantam's Don't Be's
- July 11, 2001
New hotshot Chuck Bantam kicks off his column, Bantam’s Don’t Be’s, with a thought-provoking piece arguing the merits of being an opinionated fuck. Or not.

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